For this post, I wanted to rank these terrible people and explain why I think they deserve to burn in Disney Hell with Scar, Gaston, Jafar and Peter Pan (don't get me started on that guy). This movie not only taught kids that you could win the trust of a group of young hockey players by purchasing them nice hockey gear -- but also that asshole adults are great at developing young hockey players.
This post will strictly refer to The Mighty Ducks (1st film) and I will tackle the other films in future posts.
Every Referee
I understand that these are Pee Wee games and we cannot expect top referees but these clowns allowed cross checking, close lines, and seriously dangerous plays. I could write an entire post about the poor officiating in these films. One big problem I always have is Conway should not be allowed to take his penalty shot without a helmet -- this isn't the NHL Skills Challenge. Come on refs -- think of the children!
Asshole Rating: 3 out of 10
Mrs. Conway
At the start of the film she is screaming at Bombay like a lunatic -- she didn't know how boss the driving on the ice move was. I still never understand Bombay's love for her. She is so cold to Gordon for 90% of the movie and the fact that he falls for her is one of the most unbelievable parts of the movie (which is saying a lot).
Asshole Rating 4 out of 10
Jesse Hall
Growing up the term "cake eater" was the one of the biggest insult besides "you play ball like a girl". Jesse is skeptical of every single thing Bombay suggests -- a poisonous attitude that really hurts the team. Jesse is so mean to Banks when he becomes his new teammate. One of my biggest gripes is towards the end of the film when Jesse sees how terrible the Hawk players are to Banks he has a chance to change his ways and treat his teammate better. Instead of embracing Banks, Jesse tells him before the game to not forget what team he is on. Grow up Jesse!! I know your dad is the annoying guy in the stands everybody hates but don't let your piss-poor attitude bring down the whole team.
Asshole Rating: 5 of out 10
Fair Weather Ducks Fans
If Drake lived in Minnesota 1992 he would be one of these fair weather Mighty Ducks fans --who come out of the wood work for the State Championship game. The entire season it was Mr. Hall and Mrs. Banks and suddenly so many fans are wearing custom Mighty Ducks apparel. I know this is nit-picky but I still think they deserve some hate.
Asshole Rating: 5 of out 10
49ers Fan at the State Championship Game
While I am on the fans at the State Championship -- I really get frustrated with this fan wearing the 49ers sweatshirt. Maybe you didn't get in on the custom Ducks gear that all the fair weather fans were sporting but don't jump on the 1992 49ers bandwagon. I try to think about this girl in one of two ways -- either this is a huge error by the costume director of the film or an amazing accurate depiction of a poor Ducks fan that went thrift shopping.
Asshole Rating: 3 out of 10
Hawk Players
Now I feel bad calling easily impressed upon children with an evil coach assholes... BUT these Hawk players seem to go out of the way to be terrible kids. First they steal poor kids' (Duck players) SI swim suit magazine -- which is a priceless item for any middle school student. Next they give their former best friend Adam Banks death threats (gun shooting action) at the North Stars game. Finally, they act on their death threats by trying paralyze Banks in the State Championship game. Shame on you Hawk players I already see you guys being asshole parents.
Asshole Rating: 6 out of 10
DUI Judge
Asshole Rating: 6 out of 10
Mike Modano
One of the worst parts of the whole movie is when Mike Modano, an NHL star sees Gordon Bombay and tells his team, "This guy used to rule in Pee Wees." He says to give him a call if he wants an NHL tryout... Wait what?
I get that Modano is trying to be nice -- but just because Bombay scored a lot of goals against other 10 year olds 20 years ago doesn't mean he has any chance to make the pros. Giving Bombay all this false hope is a HUGE asshole move. A part of me just dies watching Bombay get on that bus thinking that he can make it to the NHL. I think Red from Shawshank Redemption put it best, "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."
Asshole Rating: 7 out of 10
Jesse Hall's Dad
Asshole Rating: 7 out of 10
Mr. Banks
Asshole Rating: 8 out of 10
Coach Jack Reilly
The movie begins with an epic asshole comment, "if you miss this shot you are not just letting me down you are letting the whole team down". Coach Reilly is every asshole dad you ever had in your local little league on steroids. He also possibly gave his players steroids.
One question I have about this opening scene is Bombay has a chance to win the game and then suddenly they lose -- what was the score and how could this happen. Come on Stephen Herek (director) you start the movie off with an huge error.
Anyway, Bountygate has nothing like the bounty that Reilly put on his players to take out Banks. His cheer after one of his players apparently paralyzed Adam Banks is inhumane.
Asshole Rating: 9 out of 10
The trophy for biggest asshole goes to......
Gordon Bombay
Gordon Bombay is a legendary asshole -- that has no regard for anybody but himself the entire movie. Some of his highlights: teaching children to flop and act hurt, straps a player to a goal has team hit him with pucks and then leaves him, drives on ice, JUSTWIN license plate, and buys the team off to win their trust.
One of his moves that really bugs me is him forcing Banks to play for his team because of redistricting and fine print in rule book. This entire ordeal and his refusal to look out for the best interest of the kid is everything that is wrong with youth sports. He tries to act like he is taking the high road and following rules but he is really just acting selfishly because he thinks the team he was given sucks (which they do -- they don't win a game until get Banks). I originally had Ducksworth on this list but I think he was actually right in this whole debate. Bombay is an asshole and deserved to be fired from the law firm because he is so petty!
Finally the thing is worst about Bombay is him using this youth team to pick up his players' moms. He goes out of his way to go after the only single mom of his players (again don't know what he sees in her). He puts Charlie in a very weird situation asking him about his mother's dating habits. "So what kind of girls does your mom date" -- come on Bombay.
Their first date really bugs me too -- Mrs. Conway obviously is worried about protecting her son while dating this hot shot lawyer and Bombay totally plays with her. He looks at their house saying which bedroom is going to be his (assuming he will soon live with Charlie and her) -- she responds by warning him about the seriousness of dating while having a son and the claim he just made. His response is "woah this is the first date -- what do I have to marry you?" No you don't Bombay but don't talk about moving in and being Charlie dad the sentence before and not expect to get questioned.
As we quickly find out in D2 -- he moves on from Charlie's mom quickly once he realizes he can party with Wayne Gretzky and Kareem because he coaches the Pee Wee USA Good Will Games team -- but don't get started on D2! What an asshole!
Asshole Rating: 10 out of 10!!!
